It’s amazing how the mind of a narcissist must work.
Following on from my post the other day, I messaged Tony yesterday morning and told him I wanted my things out of his car that day. After a smart ass reply back from him because I didn’t say please, he called me around lunch time and said he was on his way over. He sounded so nonchalant on the phone, and as if this whole thing was a massive joke between him and I. I predicted exactly what would happen, and knew that he was expecting me to fall for his charm again. Before he arrived at my house, I sat down and took a deep breath in to gather my thoughts, so that I would be empowered to not fall back into him.
When he arrived, I unlocked the door and passed him his watch and went to grab my back of clothes from him, but he pushed his way straight past me and into the house. He turned to face me and tried to kiss me, but I pulled away and walked over to the couch and sat down. Fuck, he’s doing it again, I thought to myself. He sat down beside me, put his arm around me and tried to kiss me again, but I blocked him, and he only managed to plant one on my cheek.
“Do you realise how much you’ve hurt me?” I asked.
“Hurt you? You’re the one that was screaming at me like a crazy woman the other night!” he barked.
“You just don’t get it do you? All I’ve done is be there for you these past few months, and the one time that I needed you most, you weren’t there for me. You never are.”
“I didn’t want to talk to you the other day after you screamed at me!”
“Tony, I blacked out and didn’t know what happened,” I tried to reason with him gently, “It’s obvious that I wasn’t in a good way. You should’ve checked on me. You do this all the time. We’ll have a great time together and then you’ll disappear for 3 days and not answer your phone and it kills me. I just can’t do it anymore.”
“That’s who I am, I do that with everyone…”
“You know that that’s not normal behaviour?” I honestly felt like I was talking to a child.
“Ah, this is bullshit. You’re too fucking difficult!” he snapped, standing to his feet and heading for the front door.
I happily let him go and slammed the door behind him, blocking his number from my phone before he’d even reached his car.
That afternoon I received 3 “missed call service” messages from his number, and the saddest part is that I wonder if he texted, or what he would’ve said if I had of answered the phone.
That’s the cruelest part of falling for a narcissist. You KNOW you can’t go back. You KNOW they will never change, and you KNOW that you are miserable 80% of the time that you’re involved with them… but the thing that makes it hard to let go, is the fact that you could message them right now and say you are sorry, and they would happily come straight back to you. They would turn up like nothing happened, treat you like a queen for the day… wine and dine you… make love to you… and then stonewall you again. By doing that, you’re only adding fuel to his fire, and that is what the narcissist wants. They love knowing that you can’t live without them.
A close friend of mine helped me to see things from a different perspective yesterday. I swear that before the conversation, I was probably the lowest I had been in 3 years, but what he said “clicked”, and I instantly felt a weight lift from my shoulders. He listened to me sit there blaming Tony for everything that had happened, and then he stopped me.
He said, “this isn’t about Tony, Stace. It’s about you. You are the one that is allowing for this story to play out, the one letting him affect you, and the one allowing him to be in your life. Tony is Tony, he always will be, and you are you. So you can blame him all you want for what he has done to you, but you are the one letting his actions affect you. We all have a choice in our story. Nobody knows you like you do, and you don’t know anyone else like they know themselves. Let Tony do what he wants and wish him all the best! You’re not going to change him, so if he tries to upset you again or suck you back in, just think to yourself, “yep, cool. He’s saying this, but I know it’s not true and I can choose to not take it on board or fall into him”. Acknowledge the situation, bless it, and let it go. Don’t let it affect you, because he is the only one responsible for how he chooses to live his life. You’re responsible for your own.”