The Narcissist: Part 2

It’s amazing how the mind of a narcissist must work.

Following on from my post the other day, I messaged Tony yesterday morning and told him I wanted my things out of his car that day. After a smart ass reply back from him because I didn’t say please, he called me around lunch time and said he was on his way over. He sounded so nonchalant on the phone, and as if this whole thing was a massive joke between him and I. I predicted exactly what would happen, and knew that he was expecting me to fall for his charm again. Before he arrived at my house, I sat down and took a deep breath in to gather my thoughts, so that I would be empowered to not fall back into him.

When he arrived, I unlocked the door and passed him his watch and went to grab my back of clothes from him, but he pushed his way straight past me and into the house. He turned to face me and tried to kiss me, but I pulled away and walked over to the couch and sat down. Fuck, he’s doing it again, I thought to myself. He sat down beside me, put his arm around me and tried to kiss me again, but I blocked him, and he only managed to plant one on my cheek.

“Do you realise how much you’ve hurt me?” I asked.

“Hurt you? You’re the one that was screaming at me like a crazy woman the other night!” he barked.

“You just don’t get it do you? All I’ve done is be there for you these past few months, and the one time that I needed you most, you weren’t there for me. You never are.”

“I didn’t want to talk to you the other day after you screamed at me!”

“Tony, I blacked out and didn’t know what happened,” I tried to reason with him gently, “It’s obvious that I wasn’t in a good way. You should’ve checked on me. You do this all the time. We’ll have a great time together and then you’ll disappear for 3 days and not answer your phone and it kills me. I just can’t do it anymore.”

“That’s who I am, I do that with everyone…”

“You know that that’s not normal behaviour?” I honestly felt like I was talking to a child.

“Ah, this is bullshit. You’re too fucking difficult!” he snapped, standing to his feet and heading for the front door.

I happily let him go and slammed the door behind him, blocking his number from my phone before he’d even reached his car.

That afternoon I received 3 “missed call service” messages from his number, and the saddest part is that I wonder if he texted, or what he would’ve said if I had of answered the phone.

That’s the cruelest part of falling for a narcissist. You KNOW you can’t go back. You KNOW they will never change, and you KNOW that you are miserable 80% of the time that you’re involved with them… but the thing that makes it hard to let go, is the fact that you could message them right now and say you are sorry, and they would happily come straight back to you. They would turn up like nothing happened, treat you like a queen for the day… wine and dine you… make love to you… and then stonewall you again. By doing that, you’re only adding fuel to his fire, and that is what the narcissist wants. They love knowing that you can’t live without them.

A close friend of mine helped me to see things from a different perspective yesterday. I swear that before the conversation, I was probably the lowest I had been in 3 years, but what he said “clicked”, and I instantly felt a weight lift from my shoulders. He listened to me sit there blaming Tony for everything that had happened, and then he stopped me.

He said, “this isn’t about Tony, Stace. It’s about you. You are the one that is allowing for this story to play out, the one letting him affect you, and the one allowing him to be in your life. Tony is Tony, he always will be, and you are you. So you can blame him all you want for what he has done to you, but you are the one letting his actions affect you. We all have a choice in our story. Nobody knows you like you do, and you don’t know anyone else like they know themselves. Let Tony do what he wants and wish him all the best! You’re not going to change him, so if he tries to upset you again or suck you back in, just think to yourself, “yep, cool. He’s saying this, but I know it’s not true and I can choose to not take it on board or fall into him”. Acknowledge the situation, bless it, and let it go. Don’t let it affect you, because he is the only one responsible for how he chooses to live his life. You’re responsible for your own.”

Click!

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The Narcissist

The past couple of days have been horrible. I’ve been struggling to motivate myself to leave my bed, let alone leave the house to do simple things like restock my kitchen with food. At work, I’m on the verge of tears, and I have come to the realisation that I may be getting depressed again. I honestly thought these past couple of years that I had beaten the disease, but the old “black dog” can sneak up on you.

I spent the whole day Sunday not only upset with myself over my break down the previous night, but I also tried all day to get hold of Tony, to no avail. I wanted to find out what had happened, and I thought my house keys were in his car along with my beach bag. Of course he just ignored me all day like he always does.

He can always reach ME, but I get never reach HIM.

I’ve realised that he uses silence and disappearing as a form of control, and this is one of the things that has caused me to lash out at him in the past… yet he will always turn it back on me and accuse me of being the crazy one. God forbid anyone should ever call him out on his actions, or his selfishness!

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I gave up trying to talk to him on Sunday afternoon, and sure enough come Monday night he must’ve gotten the shits that I’d gone quiet. My phone rang at around 4:30pm, but he only rang once and then hung up. I didn’t bother calling back… I knew he was attention seeking and trying to get me to call him so he could just ignore me again. An hour later he messaged me, “Are you ok?”, I replied “No.” Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but if a person has been your rock while you’ve gone through hell, and they have always checked up on you and been there no matter what, if THEY were not in a good place or unhappy- you would reciprocate, right? No, not Tony. I got nothing.

This morning I messaged him and told him that I needed my things out of his car and he text back: “Why? Are your crazy pills in your bag?” Um, right. That, coming from the craziest motherf*cker I know. “Just drop my things off please” I replied. I didn’t give him the satisfaction of retaliation.

He ended up calling me about an hour later, and it was at this moment, with the phone conversation we had and the text messages that followed, that I realised this man that I love so much is a true narcissist.

When you are dealing with a narcissist, you can NEVER win a disagreement. Everything you say WILL be used against you, and should you dare accuse them of any wrong doing, they will twist it back onto you. I’ve never had a more fucked up disagreement in my life, leaving me feeling so frustrated and empty. I now realise that he never loved me or cared about me. He just used my good nature as comfort in his darkest hour. The one time I really needed HIS support and love, he was giving me the silent treatment. His excuse? “I didn’t want to talk to you because you were a crazy woman Saturday night”. He also didn’t believe me when I said that I blacked out and had no memory of what happened or what triggered me. “You didn’t knock your head! If you blacked out you would’ve been unconscious!”

He ended the text war by telling me that I was “conveniently putting a spin on things” and to get myself right, because he has his own issues to deal with. Ok, Satan.

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I’m under so dissolution that the next few months are going to be hard. I’m going to have to treat myself with a lot of kindness and love in order to repair the damage he’s caused, but the worst part is that I am so scared that I will fall under his spell again. I’m just so weak. He’s like heroin to me, and I’m an addict.

I’m an addict.

I woke up this morning with a hangover, and the feeling of guilt stabbing me right in the pit of my stomach.

What had I become?

Memories of the night before washed over me with dread of the unknown. The memories were too vague and unexplained to make sense. I had blacked out. What few memories that I did have of the preceding night were humiliating. Flash backs of me screaming and crying in the entrance hall of my house at my housemate, Mark, to let me out of the house so I could go home with Tony, the man that I’ve been seeing that is twice my age. I remember Mark telling me that today I would be packing my bags and I would be out.

The day leading up to last nights events were no less than magical. Tony picked me up at 1pm, and we headed off towards the Mornington Peninsula to spend the day drinking wine, lunching, and playing like teenagers on a secluded beach. This man that I have fallen completely head over heels in love with… this man filled with so much pain and hurt from losing his son to suicide a few months ago… this man that I always seem to lose, just when I finally think I have him close… he was alive yesterday. For the first time in months, he was carefree. We held hands and kissed in front of strangers, with not a care in the world of who may see and remark in disgust, and I felt for the first time in a long time, that this man that I adore, he may actually really be mine. I had this fantasy that we could finally stop with the running around, the secrets, and all the emotional stress that I had endured up until now.

We polished off a couple of bottles of wine over tapas, and drove down to one of the quieter beaches along the coast. The sun was still burning hot at 4pm, and we jumped straight in the warm water and paddled out until the water washed over our chests. I grabbed him around the neck and straddled my legs around him, kissing him with passion and purpose. Moments like this are few and far between with him, and I was determined to cherish every moment that he was present beside me. It was perfect. We were like two school kids in love, and you would never have known there was a whole lifetime of years that separated us.

People close to me haven’t understood the attraction, and I haven’t expected them to. I honestly haven’t even cared. I don’t know why I would fall for a man 28 years older than me, and I certainly didn’t intentionally sign up for all the heartache I’ve endured through watching him and trying to ease his pain from the grief. The days and the weeks where he goes missing and disappears emotionally and physically, the nights I’ve spent crying on my own from him disappearing when he should’ve been right there- they’ve all been worth suffering through, just for those days and moments like the one on the beach. Call it Daddy issues. Call it gold-digging. Call it what you want, but I really do love him. Every last messed-up, selfish piece of him.

We left the beach around 5:30pm and drove back to Port Melbourne to the local bowls club. Being 600m down the road from my house, and having been introduced to the place by Tony in the previous weeks, I have fitted right in to the family there and am now a “regular” (I’ve even got my own locker!). From here, things started to go down hill. I remember drinking one Johnny Walker after the next, and getting myself to the point where I couldn’t stand up without stumbling, and things were slowly starting to make less sense. Getting home in the wee hours of the morning is where it all starts to fade from my consciousness.

Drinking myself into a state of blacking out isn’t common, but I know that I’ve been drinking way too much lately. From drinking socially on the odd occasion, to every weekend, to now becoming aware that I’ve been drinking to the point of being drunk 3-4 times a week lately… to almost losing the gift of having a roof over my head last night… I’ve realised that I am an addict. I’m certainly not saying that I’ve an alcoholic, or that I can’t go a day without drinking. What I am saying though, is that I am addicted to numbing myself from something, and I’m determined to find out what that is. Cigarettes, toxic relationships with men, sugar/chocolate, wine, Bacardi… all these things aren’t making me feel whole, yet I can’t bring myself to stop.

I’ve managed to somehow patch things up with Mark, though he’s still really hurt and I can’t blame him. All I can do is try to never let him down again. He wants Tony to go. He doesn’t want him near the house, and I need to respect that. I’m going to have to make some changes and distance myself from some people, but I will be ok again one day.